Week 6

'Writing is an active occupation, not a passive one....waiting for inspiration is like waiting for friends.  If you sit around the house and don't go out and meet them, they will never come. You have to make things happen.'

I'd completely forgotten to write today.  Life happening everywhere around me, birthdays, Christmas, children, the dog and now a hamster!  Chapter for week 6 suggests using ourselves as a starting point for writing and how our stories can be applied in many ways.  Feels reassuring to know that writing this blog is helping my progress especially when it doesn't look that way to the outsider.  I know that my novel in waiting will walk a fine autobiographical line and am really intrigued as to just how deep it will go.  It definitely feels that the writing of it will be the best therapy I can get and actually the therapy I need with no walking away saying that I'm fine now, thank you!  

I've spent many years looking at myself in the mirror, wanting to know what was going on inside and wondering why it wasn't working for me.  Many hours spent trawling the self-help shelves in any shop with a book section, searching for the book with my name on it and all the answers.  Sessions with psychiatrists, counsellors, friends. Training courses in neuro-linguistic programming, cognitive behaviour therapy, to name a few.  All in vain.  It feels that here, with this story, I will begin to understand; understand and accept.  Accept myself for who I am, what I am and why I am here.  That I will be able to become a human being and not a human doing. And that gradually, I will be able to look at myself in the mirror and just smile back, knowing that I am ok and that I don't need to know the answers.

Week 5

Not so good this week.  Yesterday was the anniversary of my becoming a mother.  More commonly  known as D's birthday.  I have no idea what is going on but it knocks me for six every time.  This year was better but today was too much for me and I have spent most of it hitting my head, literally and otherwise.  I am much relieved that it is an exercise week and that I don't have to share anymore of it.

Exercise 3
Think about a time in your life when you had an accident, a physical accident, and write a simple and straightforward account of it.

I cut my toe, my big toe, on a light bulb.  No, I wasn't walking across the ceiling, just tidying my room.  Tidying is possibly an understatement.  I was moving everything in my room, everything that I could physically move.  Which included my desk and my lamp, hence the bulb.  Walking across my room, with stuff scattered everywhere, I cut my big toe on a light bulb.  And boy, did it bleed.  I think it was the blood that caused me to scream, closely followed by my dad leaping up the stairs to my aid.  It became clear, quite quickly, that this was not going to be a sticking plaster moment and off to A&E we went.   I don't remember being in A&E that first time.  But I do remember going back when it became apparent that there was still a piece of glass left in.  One X-ray later and back into minor surgery we went, me and my toe.  The second set of stitches felt pain free in comparison to the previous ones and much to my relief it healed very quickly.

Week 4

It turns out that exercises are only set on alternate weeks, I guess this means there may be more of my ramblings than I had expected.  This has made me feel rather uncomfortable even though each week I have written more than the exercise itself.  I had assumed (great word) that every chapter would include an exercise for the week and I would be able to focus purely on that but it seems not.  What I have also been doing, alongside my assuming, is only reading the book on Mondays which are blog days. This is working at the moment but may need changing, only 'may' so I will think about it.  With no exercise to do I am left to write about where I am now, which is not so good at this point in time.
This afternoon, I thought I'd killed the dog.  Not killed her myself but that she'd been killed whilst under my care.  'The' dog makes it sound like a very disconnected relationship which isn't what it's like at all.  E is 11 months old and has been with us since the middle of February.  She had the challenge of coming into a household that had been dog-less for just over a year.  A difficult one given that her predecessor P was the most perfect dog and had left a hole that none of us thought could ever be filled.  While she hasn't replaced P, it became very clear, very quickly, that we had really needed her and that our family unit had been missing a limb.  Now, with our 5th leg, we are on an even keel (very mixed metaphors there but hey ho!), dealing with the storms that blow our way and moving forward again.  So, when I lost her this afternoon, it wasn't good.  Then, having driven around the block looking for her and seeing two men leaning over something next to their car at the side of the road, it did all crash down around me.  In the minute it took me to get them, I heard the screams of my children, saw her still and lifeless body and felt my heart cave in.   To find them leaning over a remote control car sent relief rushing through my entire body.  I'm not sure how it must be to have someone drive up to you to tell you how she thought you'd killed her dog, so I won't make any assumptions, but suffice to say they weren't there for long.  Having then spotted said dog, I eventually managed to tempt her back into the command of the fold and return safely home.   She didn't die.  There were no screams, no body, and life this evening is back on its even keel.  I went on an emotional roller-coaster for a couple of minutes this afternoon.  It had quite an impact on my day and I'd like to get off now please.

Week 3

Feeling very emotional today.

My daughter, S, has gone on a school trip for a week leaving me with a huge hole in my heart and a sinking feeling in my stomach.  Feelings and emotions, in particular my reaction to them, have become fundamental to my well being.  This may make perfect sense to many of you, in fact may not even need stating, however for me, it's a very different case.  I spent many years (more than 40) in complete ignorance of my lack of emotional understanding and only during my last few years in recovery has it become clear to me the importance of my emotional health.  From years of aimless desert wandering, I now find myself on a beach.  No longer does the sun bear down on me, wearing me out with its endless glare, my feet burning on the hot sand.   Nowhere to find shade or respite from the desperate thirst that will not leave me.  Today I can curl my toes into the sand, let the waves gently lap over me as I lie calmly on the shore.   The sun is my friend, it warms me and welcomes me to the day.  There maybe clouds but they provide moments of shelter and coolness.  It has taken a lot of work to get to this place and it will take more to stay here.  Now that I have rested, onto the job in hand.

Exercise 2

I want to write a novel because.....
.......carrying it about in my head is beginning to hurt.  It started as a small seed, a description of a moment in time, just one evening of a woman's life.  Over the past few years, it has slowly taken root, and as those roots have delved deeper into my head, so has the story gone further and deeper into my soul.  It has grown into a story of her past, from the fairy-tale romance to the developing of the darker days that led her to the present.  Then, much as a tree begins to bud, so does the story too, leading her from despair to hope, slowly and patiently with love and kindness.

Thank you for reading.